replace all logic

Loripsum has been down for a long time, and at this point I would think it unlikely to ever come back.

This completely breaks Eloquens and it ought to move to a new backend.

I took some guesses at what the API is supposed to look like and make a local version.

I didn't send a MR immediately but it seems that the resources for Eloquens aren't getting any greater so I'm taking a crack at just sending this in.